It's Morning in America!

As Dubai Ports World puts a hold on its acquisition of contracts to manage 6 US ports in order to buy time for Bob Dole to lobby in its favor, inside information has it that Dole will produce an infomercial designed to placate the fears of the American public or in other words to sell Dubai Ports to the American public much in the same way that soap is sold or the Bush Presidency is sold for that matter. They are trying to capture the essence and the spirit of President Reagan's successful "Morning in America" selling job...er... campaign. They are doing the shooting at the Port of Newark with big container ships in the background and stevedores running around as busy as bees.

Bob Dole: Put those yellow and orange filters on the cameras. I want this to look like those "Morning in America" commercials you guys shot for Ronald Reagan. Man, were they effective! You know, I want to get that 'amber waves of grain feeling in there.'

As a container ship softly blows its horn in the background, a paid actor dressed as a burly stevedore replete with hardhat, a big brown mustache and a friendly smile, steps into the camera's field of view.

Bob Dole: Take one. Morning in America redux. Roll 'em!

Actor: Hello, my name is Mahmoud and I'm...

Bob Dole: Cut! Cut! What's with the name 'Mahmoud.'

Actor: Well, I'm Arabic, and that's my name.

Bob Dole: Well, couldn't you call yourself Paul or something more American sounding. Let's try that again. OK. Morning in America redux. Take 2. Roll 'em!

Actor: Hi, my name's Paul, and I'm here to tell you that I'm proud to work for a company like Dubai Ports. You know you have nothing to fear from Dubai Ports. We unload cargo from all over the world. You know even though I'm an Arab..

Bob Dole: Cut! Cut! You know that doesn't sound good. Couldn't we say something easier on the ears?

Actor: I could say I'm Arabic.

Bob Dole: No, that's too fricative. We need something more...sibilant. From now on you're Arabian as in Arabian Nights.

Actor: I like that. Reminds me of Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves.

Bob Dole: Yeah, right. OK actors take your places. Morning in America redux. Take 3. Roll 'em

Actor: Hello there. My name is Paul and I'm here to tell you that working for Dubai Ports...well, all's I can tell you is that Dubai Ports has been very, very, very good to me. Here at the Port of Newark, for example, we are busy all night unloading Chinese container ships with the latest Barbie dolls and cell phones. While you Americans are sleeping soundly in your beds, there are no worries, because here at Dubai Ports we take your security very, very, very seriously. Even though I'm Arabian - you know, "Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves"- Ha. Ha. Ha. These are very good children's stories. I know they warmed the cockle's of my son's heart. He came to America on a student visa. I'm so proud of him. While he was earning his degree in Electrical Engineering, he even took flying lessons on the side. And...

Bob Dole: Cut! Cut! Cut! We don't want to mention anything about flying lessons, you idiot. Cut that out. OK, now. Continue. Morning in America redux. Take 4. Roll 'em.

Actor: Yes, I'm so proud of my son. In addition to Arabic, he speaks fluent English and Chinese. I do too! We need to speak Arabic to our managers here at Dubai World and Chinese to all the ship captains that dock here. Pretty soon English will probably not any longer be the chief international language. Ha. Ha.

Bob Dole: Cut! Cut! Hey don't be suggesting that Chinese and Arabic are going to become the major international languages. This infomercial is supposed to calm the fears of the American people, not exacerbate them. Now let's start again. Morning in America redux. Take 5. Roll 'em.

Actor: Well, you are probably asking yourself 'why is an Arabian such as me from the United Arab Emirates working as a stevedore at the Port of Newark?' That is a good question. But it's thanks to your wonderful President, Mr. George Bush. Praise Allah. He wants to be fair to all countries, to all peoples. He doesn't want to discriminate, bless his heart. So when Dubai Ports World offered to take over port management in 6 American cities, George Bush was all for it in the name of fairness, in the name of non-discrimination etc. etc. Naturally, the nice folks at the Longshoreman's Union also were very kind and non-discriminating. So when I applied for a job here, they treated me like they would anyone else whether from England or Germany or Ireland. They took me in. Yes, I did offer to work for less than minimum wage, but after all, I am doing what your President has called "those jobs Americans don't want to do." So while we are busy doing those jobs Americans don't want to do, you can be out shopping at Wal-Mart buying all the Chinese trinkets and toys I was busily unloading last night as you soundly slept (music wells here) secure in the knowledge that no terrorists were entering your port system. I, Paul, will see to that. No terrorist will get by me! You can rest assured. I will see to that.

And in addition to all the Chinese manufactures we unload here, we also unload shipments of Viagra for Bob Dole. Where would Bob Dole be without Viagra.

Bob Dole: Cut! Cut! Cut! I don't think we need to tell them about Viagra.

Actor: Yes, Mr. Dole but didn't you do some Viagra commercials.

Bob Dole: Yes, but we don't need any 'crosstalk,' if you get my drift. This is an infomercial to reassure the American people that they have nothing to fear by a bunch of Arabs running our ports. This has nothing to do with Viagra. Besides we don't want the American people to know that Viagra is produced overseas by Chinese workers receiving third world wages when they have to pay first world prices.

Actor: Well, they could buy directly from the Chinese and save...

Bob Dole: That wouldn't be ethical! The drug companies wouldn't be able to make a profit,  and then where would we be? Besides if the American people purchased directly from overseas, they might get inferior merchandise. They might get something that would cause them harm instead of a hard-on. When they purchase directly from an American drug company, they know they are getting merchandise that's approved by the FDA.

Actor: Yes, but isn't it the same merchandise?

Bob Dole: You ask too many questions. Let's get on with this infomercial. Morning in America redux. Take 6. Roll 'em.

Actor: Hi, this is Paul again. You know you Americans have nothing to fear. Yes, I'm not an American citizen, but I have a green card. I'm here legally doing a job no American wants to do. And when my job is finished, unlike the students on student visas that stayed on illegally in this country, I will return to my home country. If I was British or French would you deny me a job as a stevedore? No, I don't think so. That's why you Americans are so reasonable and compassionate. I know President Bush is a compassionate conservative.

And you know the Coast Guard has the ultimate responsibility for protecting your ports. You can rest assured with them on the job. And you know the Coast Guard is very fair and compassionate. They would not try to keep out my brother Ahmed just because he is a Muslim. Why he's an American citizen for crying out loud. He's serving his country,... nobly I might add. Don't think he believes all that crap he hears on a daily basis in the mosque. He's no more affected by that than you Americans are by all the violence you see on TV. He's a mature person that Ahmed!

So in conclusion, I want to assure all Americans that you have nothing to fear from Dubai Ports World, Arabian stevedores or Muslims in the Coast Guard. We are all here to help and serve. Just read your children to sleep from a chapter of Arabian Nights. (Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves is my favorite) And all will be well! (Big Smile. The music wells.) And just remember folks, when it's Morning in America, it's midnight in Iraq!

Bob Dole: Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!

Actor: Praise Allah.