Will Blog for Food: Music

The date is set and the venue is famous sound engineer Rudy Van Gelder’s recording studio in Englewood Cliffs, NJ. The rapper and the cellist will each bring one additional colleague to round out the group. Yo Ma-Ma has brought rapper R. Kelly and Yo-Yo Ma has brought basso profundo R. Peggio. It’s around 10 AM when the troops come wandering in.

Yo Ma-Ma (to R. Kelly amid much virtuosic handshaking): Whassup niggah! Good to see you, man!

R. Kelly (to Yo Ma-Ma): Whassup niggah! How you is, man?

Yo Ma-Ma (to Yo-Yo Ma): Dis heah be R. Kelly.

Yo-Yo Ma (to R Kelly): Whassup, niggah!

Yo Ma-Ma (to Yo-Yo Ma): Whatchu call him?

Yo-Yo Ma: Well, I...

Yo Ma-Ma: Whatchu call him?

Yo-Yo Ma: Well, I…you called him a niggah in an endearing and affectionate way. I was just trying…

Yo Ma-Ma: You can’t call him no niggah. What are you, a racist or somethin? How would you like it if I called you a chink?

Yo-Yo Ma: Well, no, Chinese people find that very offensive.

Yo Ma-Ma: Well then, don’t you be usin the N word around heah agin, heah?

Just then in walks R. Peggio, the basso profundo with the San Diego Symphony.

Yo-Yo Ma (to R. Peggio): Hey, my man. Whassup, chink?

R. Peggio: Hey, whassup, chink? Good to see you, Yo-Yo.

Rudy Van Gelder: Hey, I didn’t know he was Chinese. How’d he get a name like Peggio. That sounds Italian.

Yo-Yo Ma: Yes, his father’s Italian, but his mother is Chinese.

Yo-Yo Ma (to Yo Ma-Ma and R. Kelly): This is R. Peggio.

Yo Ma-Ma and R. Kelly: Whassup, chink?

Rudy Van Gelder: Awright, places everyone. Time to do the sound check. Yo-Yo, give me an A flat.

Yo-Yo Ma: We always tune up to a concert A at the symphony.

Rudy: Yeah, Yeah. Well these guys are always so out of pitch, what difference does it make. And besides my parents are asleep upstairs, and an A always wakes them up.

Yo-Yo Ma: Oh, so solly, I didn’t realize this is your parents' living room.

Rudy: Yo, give me some rap in mike 2.

Yo Ma-Ma: Mutha humpin, mutha frumpin, piss, shit and…

Rudy: That’s good. OK. Mr. basso profundo, give me an arpeggio in mike 3.

R. Peggio: Dah, duh, duh, dah, duh, duh, dahhhh.

Rudy: Very good. Now, R. Kelly, give me some rap in mike 4.

R. Kelly: Shake yer booty, baby. Get down with it. Up yer ying yang…

Rudy: OK. That’s fine.

Yo-Yo Ma: Hey Rudy, can I get some more low end in my monitor.

Yo Ma-Ma: Hey, that sounds like what I told my girlfrin lass night. Gimme sa Mo a Dat Low End, Babuh. Hey R. I think we can use that today in the ‘cawdin session. That sounds like the name of a tune.

R. Kelly: Yeah, good hook!

Yo-Yo Ma: You mean you didn’t bring the music with you. You’re going to make it up right here on the fly, so to speak.

Yo Ma-Ma: Thass right, baby. It’s more spontaneous that way. Hey Rudy, what we gonna call dis album anyway?

Rudy: How about Yo Ma-Ma and Yo-Yo Ma: Together again for the first time.

R. Kelly: I like that, man. It has a nice ring to it.

Yo Ma-Ma: Yo … Yo-Yo. Whatcha tink a dat?

Yo-Yo Ma: Yo … Ma-Ma. I can live with…

Yo Ma-Ma: Don’t be callin me by my last name. It’s Mr. Ma-Ma to you … or you can call me Yo, like Yo … Yo, but don’t be addressin me by my last name without putting a Mistah in front of it.

Yo-Yo Ma: OK, Yo. By the way I like your bring bring.

Yo Ma-Ma: You mean my bling bling doncha?

Yo-Yo Ma: That’s what I said: bring bring. Chinese people have problem pronouncing l and r.

Yo Ma-Ma: Oh that’s hot. Hey, R. There’s another song: “Bring bring my bling bling” or in Chinese “Bling bling my bring bring.” Yeah put some words to it, man. We can use dat today. Bring me all da bling bling, man, as in money, moolah, cash as in Johnny Cash, paycheck as in Johnny Paycheck, price as in Sol Price. That’s what I tell my girls, man. Bring me all the money. I’ll give you a taste after Big Daddy checks it out first. I call them my Poosah Posseh. They sure is good to me, you see what I’m sayin?

Yo-Yo Ma: I understand what you mean, but isn’t it hard out there for a pimp.

Yo Ma-Ma: Yeah, man dat be da song dat won da Oscahs dis yeah: "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" by my man Cedric and my man Jordan.

Yo-Yo Ma: I thought it was by Deejay f and Shug.

R. Peggio: Actually it’s by the Three 6 Mafia.

Yo Ma-Ma: Oh, who cares who it’s by, but my man, my men, my bros, my soul brothers, they sure knows how ta rake in da dough.

Yo-Yo Ma: I heard they couldn’t say “fuck, “shit” or “niggaz,” but “bitches” and “hos” was OK at the Oscars.

Yo Ma-Ma: Yeah, you know the censahs man. They had to clean it up fa da Oscahs.

R. Kelly: Yeah, but they be rakin in da dough. Whooeey!! Did you hear they gonna license it to that Abu Dabi Dubai Ports seafood company and they gonna do a commercial: “It’s Hard Out Here for a Shrimp.” And Pixar studios is a gonna come up wit a cute cartoon shrimp, and Will Smith be doin da voiceovah.

Yo Ma-Ma: Yeah, dat’s mah man. He thinks of everythin. Dey be gettin residuals on they residuals.

R. Peggio: Yeah, and did you hear that Revlon has spun off a subsidiary called “Girl Stick” to market cosmetics to girls in the hood?

Yo Ma-Ma: That’s hot, man. My man can license they pimp song to them and cut a commercial, “It’s Hard out Here for a Primp.” That’s perfect man, cuz when my girls - the Poosah Posseh as I calls em - are out they workin the streets, they be primpin all the time. Puttin on lipstick, pluckin they eyebrows…

R. Kelly: Yeah, and then they backup groupies is gonna do another follow-on called “It’s Hard out Here for a Ho, Too, Dammit.” They gonna call theyselves "Deb Occle and the Ho Down!"

Yo Ma-Ma: That’s perfect, man. Man, they be rollin in dough. And just think we be marketin all this shit to da white man and be takin all his money just to listen to our shit.

R. Kelly: Beats reparations, man. We deserves it after all the slavery and shit.

Yo Ma-Ma: Yeah, da Indians be takin most a da white man’s money wit da casinos and slot machines and crap, and we be takin da rest of it wit rap and hip hop. Dat’s justice, man. Dat’s justice!

Yo-Yo Ma: Maybe we could do a cover of “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp" today to round out our album.

Yo Ma-Ma: Great idea, man. Hey bah da way, why did you, a world famous classical musician, want to do a hip hop album?

Yo-Yo Ma: We need to repay student loan.

Yo Ma-Ma (incredulous): What!!!

Yo-Yo Ma: Yes R. Peggio and I went to Juilliard, and we have $100,000. in student loans to pay back. The symphony pays so poorly and…

Yo Ma-Ma: So you decided to make a rap album. Jeesh, I went ta da school a hard knocks in the ghetto. The only student loan I ever heard of was when some niggah comes up to me, sticks a knife in my rib, and says, “Hey, student, gimme a loan.” I say, “Sure Perfessah, how much do ya need?”

Rudy Van Gelder: OK. OK. Let’s get on with it. Yo-Yo, did you bring in any tunes?

Yo-Yo Ma: Well I thought, this being Easter and all, it might be nice to have something seasonally appropriate like “Here comes Peter Cottontail.” You know (sings) “Here comes Peter Cottontail. Hip hopping down the bunny trail.” Notice how I cleverly change lyrics to get real hip hop feel.

Yo Ma-Ma: That’s some sad shit, man! I can’t be singin no shit like dat, man. I’d be laughed right outtada hood! Dere goes mah street cred, rot dere. Whaddaya think R. Can you make somethin outta dat?

R. Kelly: Let me work on it, man. Maybe I can come up with somethin.

Rudy: Ok. Let’s get something down. Time’s a wastin.

Yo Ma-Ma: Awright. Let’s do the first tune: “Bring bring bring me some bling bling bling. Yo-Yo, just give me something like dang dang dang a dang a dang dang on the cello and just keep playing that over and over.

Yo-Yo Ma: Don’t you have a score, man, or at least a lead sheet. I’m a classically trained musician, you know.

Yo Ma-Ma: No, we don’t need none a dat shit. Jus do what I tells you.

Yo-Yo Ma: Well, what key?

Yo Ma-Ma: Yuh can figuh dat out as we moves along heah.

LATER:

Rudy: OK folks, we got lotsa good tunes down in the can. We need one more though. Hey R., did you come up with anything on that Cottontail tune?

R. Kelly: Yeah, how’s this:

I’m Peter pimpin Cottontail. I be down heah in da hood. I lives in a breier patch, and dat makes all my bunnies good. My girls be workin overtime turning tricks and rollin johns. I’m Peter pimpin Cottontail down here in da hood.

Yo Ma-Ma and R. Peggio: He’s Peter pimpin Cottontail. He be down here in da hood.

R. Kelly: I said to my girl, Tawanda, get yo ass on outta bed. She just look at me and pull da covahs ovuh huh head. I said get on outta heah; get up outta da bed. You could be up on da street givin some john some head. I said get on up and outta heah. Get up on da street.

Yo Ma-Ma and R. Peggio: Get yo ass on outta heah and get out on da street. Get yo ass on outta heah and get out on da street.

R. Kelly: My babies call me “Big Daddy.” Dey’s cute as dey can be. You know it’s just a wondah how they all done look like me. Dey all be different colors and some a dem are black. I done raised em good down in da hood. I tell you thass a fack!

Yo Ma-Ma and R. Peggio: He done raised em good down in da hood. I tell you thass a fack! He done raised em good down in da hood. I tell you thass a fack!

Now dat old Brer Rabbit, he be cuttin in my turf. I told him he better watch his ass if he know what it’s wurf. He look at me and said “No shit. I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll whip yo ass and call it grass and make a meal of you!”

Yo Ma-Ma and R. Peggio: He’ll whip yo ass and call it grass and make a meal of you! He’ll whip yo ass and call it grass and make a meal of you!”

R. Kelly: I said dis hood ain’t big enough fa da likes a you and me. Cuz I’m Peter pimpin Cottontail, and you’re not shit, you see. I’ll carve yo ass and you’ll throw up glass when I get done wich you. You piece a crud. You be spittin up blood, and then you be turnin blue.

Yo Ma-Ma and R. Peggio: You piece a crud. You be spittin up blood, and then you be turnin blue.

R. Kelly: I saw old Grandpa Moses. He be walkin pritty slow. He said, “Cotton, you be da man now. Ole Brer he gotta go. You watch your back cuz he be sellin crack and da Man he gotta know."

Yo Ma-Ma and R. Peggio: You watch your back cuz he be sellin crack and da Man he gotta know. You watch your back cuz he be sellin crack and da Man he gotta know.

R. Kelly: I’m Peter pimpin Cottontail and now my tale be told. I’m sittin mighty pritty. Cuz of all da snatch I’ve sold. And as for old Brer Rabbit, he better watch his back. Cuz if I see him, I’ll cut his ass, and I ain’t be smoking no crack.

Yo Ma-Ma and R. Peggio: If he see him, he’ll cut his ass, and he ain’t be smoking no crack. If he see him, he’ll cut his ass, and he ain’t be smoking no crack.

Yo-Yo Ma (playing): dang a dang a dang a dang dang a dang a dang a dang dang

Rudy Van Gelder: That’s it, man. It's in the can. Good as gold!