Qualcomm is a San Diego based corporation that does very fine work in the cell phone world. It's a Fortune 500 company, and I'm sure they have a lot of very smart people running the company and a lot of very fine people working there. Their record of quarterly profits is admirable; so much so that they find themselves in the enviable position, quite often, of having to pooh-pooh their own profit reports something like this. "Well, even though we exceeded Wall Street analysts' expectations this quarter, don't expect us to keep this up. We'll probably do really lousy next quarter!" This is called lowering expectations. If the analysts got really excited and expected Qualcomm to do great things in the next quarter and then they fell short, that would be really bad for their stock. People would probably dump it if it didn't live up to expectations, and that would be really, really bad!
However, I have a problem with 'Qualcomm,' the name. It's just too obvious: Quality Communications. Duhhh! How banal! How mundane! It's also a little too long. Too many m's. It's obvious they didn't have a naming expert like me come up with that one! Actually, Qualco would have been better. Shakespeare said, "What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." True, but actually there's a lot in a name. Certain sounds and certain words or word fragments connote certain things either pleasant or not so pleasant. Consider the words 'smegma' and 'maggot. Would you want a rose called by either of these names? "Oh, come here, Honey, and smell this wonderful smegma." How poetic!
Instead, Qualcomm should have hired me to come up with a name that connoted pleasant associations having to do with their primary field of interest: cell phones. How about this: Celerity Corporation? The dictionary definition of celerity is rapidity of motion or action." It connotes speed, a very cool thing in any name, and cell phones - Cell-erity. Or it could even be called the Cellerity Corporation Even better. Also variations on this theme would work such as Celeritas Corporation or Cellarium Corporation with connotations of solarium as well. Solarium connotes the sun, always a good connotation. How about Celereal or Cellereal? A little too much like cereal, maybe.
Taking a different tack, consider the word 'accelerate,' related to celerity to be sure. How about the Accell Corporation? Unfortunately, other entities have seen the beauty in these names and taken them for their own operations, but they don't include major corporations. I'm sure Qualcomm could have had them if they wanted. Here's another one: Cellebrium. This connotes something really brainy as well as cell phones. However, it sounds a little like a drug or a cereal. Then there's variations on the word 'cerebral.' Celebreal Corporation. Sounds a bit mysterious. That's OK. Or take variations on the word 'alacrity.' Alacrity means "promptness of response, cheerful readiness." What could be better than that? How about Cellacrity Corporation?
Intel knew what they were doing when they came up with the name "celeron" for one of their chips. It connotes speed, the very thing they would like their chip to be noted for. There are some companies whose names have nothing to do with their product line like the Cubic Corporation in San Diego. Then there's even a copycat Conic Corporation. There's no Spheric Corporation or Tetrahedronic or Octagonic Corporation. Why?? By the way, Cellonics would be a good name. Carrying this a bit further, how about the name Cellineal Corporation? Cellanial Corporation connotes the word cranial which connotes brainy which is good although there is a slight connotation of 'anal' which is bad. How about Cellubrious? Not bad. Close to salubrious from the Latin - healthy, safe - and meaning "promoting health and well-being." A perfect connotation.
I could go on and on. But there's no need to. They're stuck with the name 'Qualcomm.' They're never going to change it. And we're stuck with Qualcomm Stadium since they gave $17 million to the city of San Diego for the naming rights. How dreadful! Look at all the stadia that are named after corporations with dreadful names! We have here in San Diego the IPayOne Sports Arena. I Pay One!! It shouldn't be allowed. How disgusting and vulgar! How trite! It's a travesty of the English language, it is. And then the problems with Enron Stadium. They've finally renamed it Minute Maid Field! Finally, we have (in other parts of the country) Alltel Stadium, Bank of America Stadium, Invesco Field, Heinz Field, Lincoln Financial Field, Quest Field and FedEx Field. What next? Wal-Mart Stadium? Even Kick Ass Field would be better than these corporate names. How about Trash Talk Stadium or UpUrButt Field? Oh well. There's nothing I can do about it. Money talks, and if some city wants to name their stadium after the Smegma Corporation, there's nothing I can do about it!
